OLD BEGINNINGS TO NEW BEGINNINGS

It’s funny. I think back to early March when this virus took the world by storm. I remember the day that it shut down my place of work at one of the most ironic moments it ever could. I felt so relieved to have a month off to just get away, back when I thought it was just a month. I mean, I knew it would be scary being suddenly isolated to a version of myself I wasn’t very sure of, or though I wouldn’t have admitted at the time, proud of either. But I never could have comprehended the level of lows, and highs this time has created in the story of my life. Even when most of them feel so familiar.

I started the quarantine, now about two and half months ago, as ready as I thought I could be to face myself, and all the feelings that would come with it. I felt unshakable with a subtle fear of being naïve. But that expectation itself, was naïve. I lied about everything. I can say that for sure now. I lied about how I felt about Jon; my family; my life, my past, my present, and myself.

I told the universe that I was ready for anything, and it delivered. It just didn’t arrive in a nice and neatly packaged parcel like I hoped. More like a messy envelope the mailman dropped in the puddle before it reached the front door where it slapped me in the face. Now here I am, waiting for the call any day to start my life again, and I’m not sure that it’s the kind of life I want to go back to. In fact, I’m afraid. I worry for the change our “normal” will face. I’m afraid of how I’ll handle that reality, and if I’ll be strong enough to be a part of it. Truthfully, I wear my own version of the scars this virus has left both mentally, and physically every day.

But I guess, even if this time was nothing like I expected, maybe that’s the point. To really grow, I don’t think that you’re supposed to know what that feels like until you’re there. But what I do know is that, if something excites you, and scares you at the same time, you should probably pursue it because the only other option is regret. And if it just terrifies you, or fills you with shame, or guilt, then it’s time to let it go. That’s what I’m going to honor from now on. Because there is no secret to self-love. There is no trick to trusting yourself. You just move forward and you learn to balance want and need; love and lust; past and present; impulse and intuition. Because everything serves a purpose, and neither means to guide you to any harm. At the end of the day, lessons come in every, and any form. Even the moments sitting alone in the dark when you’re questioning everything; that comes from a real place, and it’s a loving place.

So, it’s not about being ready for obstacles. Its pushing forward, trusting your gut, listening to your intuition, and following your heart. And if you do, at least I’d like to believe, you might find yourself in a place, or feeling that you never expected, but find yourself unable to live without.

To growth and the unexpected making us better than our limiting expectations. Amen.

Jackie Marie xoxo